Dating Tips: Part One - For Men

So you have decided to at long last to put on a pair of pants and leave you cavernous dwelling cluttered to the ceiling with empty pizza boxes and discarded cans of energy drinks. Good for you, you ill begotten son of a triple cunted Naval yard whore! Unfortunately, after spending fourteen minutes on the dating scene, you have discovered that women would much rather shove a raw top round London broil steak up their twats and walk into a den of rabid, AIDS infested wolverines that to let you for one second think that you have a snow ball's chance in hell of sliding your slimy little pig tail of a cock inside them. Well, before you resort to becoming the most prolific rapist in western history, relax and keep on reading, because I have compiled several helpful tips you can put into action in order to spread your venomous seed among the populace. I would much, much rather you didn't infect the planet with little miniature yous and ensure the decline of civilization as we know it, but I did make a commitment to help you poor sniveling shits through this blog and I, being an upstanding member of society unlike you miserable overgrown fucks, will deliver on my commitment.

The first question you must ask yourself is “Would I fuck me?” If the answer to that is yes, then stop reading and go fuck yourself, preferably with a cactus, because this blog isn't for you. Now, back to the matter of this miserably lonely and no doubt suicidal sorry excuse for a piece of fossilized dino shit. If you are still reading, then the answer to the above question was an unqualified no and you, having your ego and confidence expertly crushed by your own opinion of yourself, are now seriously considering making love to a weather worn wood chipper in the public square at noon. Once again, I beseech you to relax a moment. Your salvation is coming in the form of a handy list that you can print out and carry around with you whenever you see it fit to venture out into the sunlight, you round tub of sickly pale flesh and cadaverous odor. 

1. Confidence. Saying that confidence gets a woman's panties wet is like saying the ocean is damp. What does that mean for you? It means that no matter how much you may look up to Quasimodo in hopes of one day to look half as good as he does, if you wear that hump with style and confidence, you will be swimming in a sea of homely to moderately half-way okay looking women with most of their teeth in place in no time at all. Go on and snail trail your way down the avenue with a “haters gonna hate” attitude about you and watch the ladies swoon and fan their faces with their hands. 
   
   
2. Hygiene. This important step was covered in my last post, but I will reiterate as I am well aware of the fact that your attention span is that of a small rodent whose only life experience is exploring the inner walls of a man's lower intestinal tract. Hygiene is an important part of acquiring someone to tolerate your constant, incessant stupidity and the visage that of a gargoyle with a horrible inoperable face tumor. You will need to put soap to water and scrub every inch of your unutterably terrifying body until such time as all smell and the first two dermal layers are gone and forgotten. Moving on.
   
   
3. Social interaction. Having scrubbed yourself free of barnacles and the stench of popcorn shrimp and death, you are now ready to venture out into the world to stake your horrible, unnecessary claim. In order to do this effectively, you will have to approach other human beings (I'm using the term loosely) and interact with them on a socially acceptable level. This means no waddling over to the poor lady at the bar who is trying her very hardest to avoid meaningless cum scrapes like yourself and proudly proclaiming “I CAN MAKE PUDDING WITH MY PENIS!” and staring her in the face with a gigantic shit eating grin on your what-you-would-call a face. That way lies jail time. Instead, introduce yourself ask her how her day was, what kind of music she likes, anything but penis pudding. That comes later if you don't tard yourself out of a date. Which brings me to my next point...
   
   
4. Dating. Assuming the lady you met at the bar was somehow drunk and desperate enough to agree to see you again in the daylight, you will have procured yourself a date. Good job, you mongrel pile of donkey dicks! You are now ready to take her to a public place where people will look at the both of you and think “what in the high holy hell is that poor woman doing with that retarded man child?”. First dates are important. I recommend you take her to as expensive a restaurant as your disability claim check allows you to afford. Once there, order some food, eat WITH A KNIFE AND FORK, walk her home and spend the rest of the night crying and jerking off to magazine cutouts, because both you and I know you're not getting anywhere near that pussy, you disgusting, fetid, bloated parody of a man.
   
   
5. Acceptance. Once you have accepted the fact that no woman will ever lay eyes on you in a manner other than to say “oh my god, what IS that growing out of his head? Oh fuck, that's his face!”, you will be able to live your life as you see fit. Go ahead, continue to skip showers for months on end! Fuck it, who's gonna get close enough to smell you, right? Keep eating Crisco straight from the tub! You haven't seen your microscopically tiny cock in years and it is no doubt encrusted in dick cheese by now, why ruin a good thing? All a woman would do is try and make you into someone you're not: a human fucking being.

And that's it. That's my dating advice to you, you shit stain on the dick of humanity. If after reading those helpful hints you have still not procured a stable and loving relationship, all I can tell you is that you will die miserable and alone in a pool of your own burning, bubbling...I'm repeating myself. Well, that's what will happen if you don't screw your dick on straight, and I stand by it. Now quit being the human equivalent of a mountain of parrot shit and be back here tomorrow, when I discuss dating tips for women.