Congratulations! You are reading this post and thereby have taken the first step to bettering your life. Now if you can keep your sinkhole-like maw from yapping for more than a microsecond, I'll tell you what can be done about your self image issues. It's really easy and can be done by just about anyone with a pulse and three and a half brain cells (that's not entirely true, the dead do it ALL THE TIME). You ready? Here it is.
Put down the fork, you globular mass of gelatinous pig excrement! I bet you're the kind of dickless nut juggler to walk into a Burger King and put the franchise holder's offspring through four years of college for the next three generations in one visit you shambling hulk of skin, sweat and nacho cheese. If you can't keep yourself from wolfing down anything wrapped in paper with a corporate logo on it, then I have not the foggiest as to how you keep yourself from breaking your own tire-like neck on a daily basis while engaged in the simple act of waking up. The amount of brain chemistry it takes to look at a piece of bread with a patty consisting of %35 meat, some genetically engineered cheese and dripping with a sauce so secret that the FDA doesn't even want know what it is and saying “I'd rather not put that pile of toxic material into my body” is far less than the amount required to keep one's eyes open until the next involuntary blink, and if you are unfamiliar with that sort of self control then the only option left for you is to eat yourself into a coma and leave some food for the rest of us, as you are now beyond all hope of redemption.
Now I know what you're thinking, “But Loki, its hard to simply put the fork down without any sort of mental preparation”. I hear ya, lard ass. That's why I have decided to put together a list of things you can do to help prepare you mentally for the oh-so-difficult task of not eating twice your body weight in Pringles every three hours. These helpful tips will first and foremost help you to have a clear look at your own gastronomical depravity and force you to either stop eating like a hog on display at a Milwaukee county fair or staple your own mouth shut. Which ever works best.
- Wash yourself. This is the first and by far the most important step and I will walk you through it. Go on and jam your oozing pus sack of a body into your tub, turn on the water and with your massive bovine rolls hanging over the sides of the porcelain, grab the nearest toilet brush and attempt with all your huffing and puffing might to scrape the dried Cheeto dust from under your tits. Next, with whatever muscle tissue you've acquired in your arms by repeatedly lifting those heavy cans of sugar water to your insatiable mouth, lift your left wrist ABOVE your cake frosting stained lips and with the brush scrub away at your never seen and long forgotten arm pits (that's where, among other places, that horrible stench was coming from in case you were wondering, you disgusting fucking waste of breath). Repeat on the other side. A half hour from entering the tub, your tits and your pits should now be as clean as a dew laden blade of grass on an Irish spring morning. This is as clean as you will get until you lose weight equivalent to that of a medium sized Somali village. The next and final step is to pull your cell phone from your pants (of course you left your pants on you ignorant bitch) and call the fire department to come and pry you from the tub. It isn't customary to tip your firemen, but these men will have put in several hours of work trying to accomplish the nigh impossible, so give them a little something.
- Now that you have cleaned yourself, I bet you're feeling far better and lighter than before without the 70 pounds of candy wrappers and taco shell crumbs stuck in between your rolls, but we are far from done yet. The next step is to dress yourself. This will heighten your self esteem, I promise. Put on your tarp and get thee to a Big & Tall store. After you get kicked out for scaring all the other Big & Tall people, head to your nearest fabric factory, where I'm sure that for a price, they will fashion for you a shirt and pants that will fit your planetoid-like self. Be prepared to spend. Once you get home, undress and look at yourself in the mirror. Its normal if you go blind – so does every one else when they see you rolling down the beach. Notice the unsightly piece of shit standing before you, barely qualifying to be called human. Notice how its feet are sticking out from underneath a skirt of stomach fat, legs being long since lost underneath said skirt. Imagine how many Rwandans your putrid corpse could feed! Look upon this and shudder in disgust if you have any self worth left in you after all those Olympic sized swimming pools of mayonnaise you've ingested over the last three weeks. The next step will require the help of several competitor strongmen as you will now need to cover up that retch inducing glob of pale jelly with the clothes you just bought. See? Doesn't that look and feel better? Sure, the buttons look like they're about to fly off at a velocity required to travel through time, and your leg fat is actually seeping through the pant seams, but at least you look like something almost resembling a human being! Good job!
- With your self image restored, you are now ready to leave your dilapidated house one inspection visit away from being condemned as unlivable and go out into the world with a new sense of pride, self worth and drive to try and actually burn a calorie. Exit the house and then go back in again. You have burned one calorie. Now go back to stuffing your fat fucking face with cheese and sugar because you have gotten past the point of no return. You are a blob, you understand me? A blob. No amount of diet or activity will ever help you because you lack the self control and for god's sake the self respect to do anything about your ever expanding ass. You will continue to stuff your body full of garbage until they day you die miserable and alone in a pool of your own burning, bubbling shit. Your only option now is to commit suicide quickly as the way you're doing it now is far too slow and consumes far too many resources, you useless waste of life. Why are you even alive? Why SHOULD you be alive? The only step left now is to choke yourself with a turd you have dug up out of the back of your mu-mu as that is the only way this world will get any justice for your existence.
After going through these three simple steps, you should now be well on your way to making a world a better place! If that sort of mental prep didn't help, I don't know what to tell you other than I hope that you suffer a fatal brain aneurism before your next outing to Taco Bell. If after all that you are still not ready to put down that fork and maybe god forbid run your biblically proportioned ass around the block a couple of times, then it seems to me that you were destined from birth to be a walking bag of gravy that has not seen its genitalia since that one time you played doctor with the neighbor kid when you were five and I want you to drown in your own vomit after eating a bad slab of ribs with a side of fuck you.
Stay tuned for tomorrow's post in which I will unfuck your miserable, nonexistent love life!
Jeez, friend, do I take this personally?
ReplyDeleteBTW, have we ever discussed both of us being Leos? Since I usually see you in a party atmosphere, it's sometimes hard to remember.