Dating Tips: Part Two - For Women

If for possess a vagina and for some unfathomable reason can't seem to find somebody to buy you undeserved drinks and dinner to stuff your cellulite laden ass, I honestly can't help you. If there is female genitalia between your legs and not one single male has yet approached you for at the very least a casual encounter, then there is something wrong with you, not him, you shambling mass of year old yeast infection. What I can do for you, however, is tell you whats wrong with you, and if any of those reasons apply to you then you need to seriously re-evaluate your choices in life.

I realize that being female you aren't exactly used to anyone pointing out your flaws and treating you as anything less than a fairy tale fuck princess that shoots joy and universal happiness out her asshole, but I think its time someone told you exactly why you can't get a date and who better to do it than a superior being such as myself. The following being for your own good, I suggest that instead of closing the browser in a fit of indignation as you are about to do, you keep reading and maybe god forbid learn enough to have someone want to accost your stalagmite encrusted, cavern-like twat without the aide of several gallons of 180 proof alcohol. Let's get started, shall we?

First and foremost, you have to have consistency in what kind of man you want. For example, you can't have a man who is funny, adventurous, happy and stable. That man does not exist. Happy people are almost %100 of the time not funny and adventurous people, by definition, aren't stable. You would know that if your brain mass hadn't been replaced with re-runs of the Tyra Banks Show and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Pick a compatible combination of two traits you want in a man and stick with it. For example: Funny and miserable, stable and boring, or adventurous and prone to life threatening situations. Despite what miss Tyra says, you can't have it all and you're just going to have to accept it.

With the opening issue out of the way, let us now focus on you. When you uncross your legs, do you immediately hear children crying, pigs being slaughtered and men gnashing their teeth? Then its time for vaginal hygiene, you sorry excuse for a biological being. How is it that you can't smell your own rancid, smoking cum receptacle when any time you go swimming at the beach you cause an environmental disaster? Luckily for you, there are products invented just for you. Before going outside, be sure to first put on perfume, deodorant, and having squeezed three tubes of Vagisil inside your corpulent, corrupted cunt, enjoy your night out on the town, you poor, delusional creature.

Do you consistently look like you've just woken up from a three year hibernation and its making every man in your immediate vicinity run in the opposite direction while clawing at their eyes, desperately trying to rip out the impression your horrible visage has left permanently engraved on their poor retinas? Then quit wondering why your mother constantly calls you telling you that you'll never be married, because I've come up with a solution that should please both you and whatever poor, ignorant sap you will have found to keep on a leash and make to stuff your ass with cakes and pudding.

The first thing you'll need to do is visit your local party supply store and buy up as much clown makeup as you can. Next, paint yourself up as a funny (or sad) clown and go hunting for men with a clown fetish, because that is the only conceivable way that you can ever ensure that you won't die alone, you pile of wet, reeking garbage.

So we got vaginal care and makeup covered. What else, what else, what else..ah! Okay. Intellect. Look, if all your conversations begin and end with what shade of shoe you had bought for you by your previous idiot who couldn't differentiate between a girlfriend and a vapid money hole, then you desperately need to visit your local library and read up on ANYTHING. No man likes to sit across a table and listen to this painted up, clown looking, lotion smelling gargoyle blather on about her insatiable craving for anything but cock. Study up on current events and (preferably) sports, and I can guarantee a second date with whatever man child you've picked up at a bar who upon first approaching you looked like he was about to say something about penis pudding.

That's all I can think of at the moment, you precious, delicate flower of feminine radiance and crusty pubic regions, and even that was too much. If a woman can't simply come up to a random man on the street, say “fuck me” and get her way then she was destined to never see a dick outside of a Chippendales show. Yes, it is that easy. That is my last bit of advice for you. I know you think I'm kidding, but I'm really not. Go outside, right now, find a man you find attractive, and offer him some vag. Chances are that unless he's gay, he'll take you up on your offer, you whore.

Check back tomorrow, when I do something completely different!

Dating Tips: Part One - For Men

So you have decided to at long last to put on a pair of pants and leave you cavernous dwelling cluttered to the ceiling with empty pizza boxes and discarded cans of energy drinks. Good for you, you ill begotten son of a triple cunted Naval yard whore! Unfortunately, after spending fourteen minutes on the dating scene, you have discovered that women would much rather shove a raw top round London broil steak up their twats and walk into a den of rabid, AIDS infested wolverines that to let you for one second think that you have a snow ball's chance in hell of sliding your slimy little pig tail of a cock inside them. Well, before you resort to becoming the most prolific rapist in western history, relax and keep on reading, because I have compiled several helpful tips you can put into action in order to spread your venomous seed among the populace. I would much, much rather you didn't infect the planet with little miniature yous and ensure the decline of civilization as we know it, but I did make a commitment to help you poor sniveling shits through this blog and I, being an upstanding member of society unlike you miserable overgrown fucks, will deliver on my commitment.

The first question you must ask yourself is “Would I fuck me?” If the answer to that is yes, then stop reading and go fuck yourself, preferably with a cactus, because this blog isn't for you. Now, back to the matter of this miserably lonely and no doubt suicidal sorry excuse for a piece of fossilized dino shit. If you are still reading, then the answer to the above question was an unqualified no and you, having your ego and confidence expertly crushed by your own opinion of yourself, are now seriously considering making love to a weather worn wood chipper in the public square at noon. Once again, I beseech you to relax a moment. Your salvation is coming in the form of a handy list that you can print out and carry around with you whenever you see it fit to venture out into the sunlight, you round tub of sickly pale flesh and cadaverous odor. 

1. Confidence. Saying that confidence gets a woman's panties wet is like saying the ocean is damp. What does that mean for you? It means that no matter how much you may look up to Quasimodo in hopes of one day to look half as good as he does, if you wear that hump with style and confidence, you will be swimming in a sea of homely to moderately half-way okay looking women with most of their teeth in place in no time at all. Go on and snail trail your way down the avenue with a “haters gonna hate” attitude about you and watch the ladies swoon and fan their faces with their hands. 
   
   
2. Hygiene. This important step was covered in my last post, but I will reiterate as I am well aware of the fact that your attention span is that of a small rodent whose only life experience is exploring the inner walls of a man's lower intestinal tract. Hygiene is an important part of acquiring someone to tolerate your constant, incessant stupidity and the visage that of a gargoyle with a horrible inoperable face tumor. You will need to put soap to water and scrub every inch of your unutterably terrifying body until such time as all smell and the first two dermal layers are gone and forgotten. Moving on.
   
   
3. Social interaction. Having scrubbed yourself free of barnacles and the stench of popcorn shrimp and death, you are now ready to venture out into the world to stake your horrible, unnecessary claim. In order to do this effectively, you will have to approach other human beings (I'm using the term loosely) and interact with them on a socially acceptable level. This means no waddling over to the poor lady at the bar who is trying her very hardest to avoid meaningless cum scrapes like yourself and proudly proclaiming “I CAN MAKE PUDDING WITH MY PENIS!” and staring her in the face with a gigantic shit eating grin on your what-you-would-call a face. That way lies jail time. Instead, introduce yourself ask her how her day was, what kind of music she likes, anything but penis pudding. That comes later if you don't tard yourself out of a date. Which brings me to my next point...
   
   
4. Dating. Assuming the lady you met at the bar was somehow drunk and desperate enough to agree to see you again in the daylight, you will have procured yourself a date. Good job, you mongrel pile of donkey dicks! You are now ready to take her to a public place where people will look at the both of you and think “what in the high holy hell is that poor woman doing with that retarded man child?”. First dates are important. I recommend you take her to as expensive a restaurant as your disability claim check allows you to afford. Once there, order some food, eat WITH A KNIFE AND FORK, walk her home and spend the rest of the night crying and jerking off to magazine cutouts, because both you and I know you're not getting anywhere near that pussy, you disgusting, fetid, bloated parody of a man.
   
   
5. Acceptance. Once you have accepted the fact that no woman will ever lay eyes on you in a manner other than to say “oh my god, what IS that growing out of his head? Oh fuck, that's his face!”, you will be able to live your life as you see fit. Go ahead, continue to skip showers for months on end! Fuck it, who's gonna get close enough to smell you, right? Keep eating Crisco straight from the tub! You haven't seen your microscopically tiny cock in years and it is no doubt encrusted in dick cheese by now, why ruin a good thing? All a woman would do is try and make you into someone you're not: a human fucking being.

And that's it. That's my dating advice to you, you shit stain on the dick of humanity. If after reading those helpful hints you have still not procured a stable and loving relationship, all I can tell you is that you will die miserable and alone in a pool of your own burning, bubbling...I'm repeating myself. Well, that's what will happen if you don't screw your dick on straight, and I stand by it. Now quit being the human equivalent of a mountain of parrot shit and be back here tomorrow, when I discuss dating tips for women.