So you've finally decided to get off your titanically proportioned ass and become a useful, functioning member of society. Good for you! Fortunately for you, I'm here to walk you through the monumental task of acquiring gainful employment so that you can afford your daily injections of nacho cheese and liquified lard. I have once again compiled a list of helpful tips that, when applied, will ensure success in the world of applying for jobs and going through interviews. Now stop scratching your swollen blue ball sack and sniffing your fingers and pay attention.
1. Picking your field
Before you can begin doing anything, the very first step is to figure out what you are qualified to do that someone would be willing to pay you for. What are you good at? Knowing you, you're probably only good at picking out the various bacterial cultures living underneath your toe nails or slamming your head against a concrete wall until a thought forms out of the jumbled chaos in your brain or something to that effect. However, aside from being a sideshow attraction, those particular talents aren't in high demand in today's high-paced world, so we'll have to just assume that for whatever reason you know how to do something other than stare blankly at a dead possum hoping that it turns into a three-tier cheese cake and move on. Next you will have to pick up a classifieds section or find an on-line job classifieds site and apply, apply, apply. Remember, there are about 40+ people applying for every position and you have to stand out somehow. I suggest lying and mentioning that you are not a completely useless bottom feeder of a dick breathed cocksucker in your cover letter.
- Hygiene and appearance
Having covered hygiene in several previous posts, I will forgo this part and focus mainly on appearance, assuming you don't need to be told to wash the dried cum off your hands. Appearance is everything when going in for an interview, so it is imperative that you look the part of a competent worker while at the same time exuding confidence and a sense of professionalism. In order to accomplish this, a good shirt and tie in lieu of the usual Cheeto dust covered Stones t-shirt is essential. Make sure to iron that bastard first, as it has no doubt accumulated a million wrinkles having been trapped in your closet for oh so many years. Slacks and shiny shoes are just as important, so peel off that jizz rag you call pants and try and look like a human being for once in your futile existence.
- The Interview Itself
It is important to note that being early for an interview is generally considered a good thing – if it's scheduled for 3 pm, show up at 2:55, and so on. Be sure to bring a well-written resume as well. If you show up three hours late with nothing but your dick in your hand, the safe bet is that not only will you not get the job, you will most likely be ejected from the building when the interviewer sticks his dick up your ass, points you out a window and cum blasts you onto the sidewalk. So, you've arrived on time and presented your resume. The next thing to probably happen is the interviewer will ask you a series of questions; what your responsibilities were at your last job, how and why you left and what you have to offer their company. Ideally, your responses should be spoken clearly and with minimal mention of your World Of Warcraft character's accomplishments. End with a firm hand shake and go back to your hovel where you can shed your nice, clean clothes and continue being the slovenly pile of fuckwitted shit you've always been.
- Getting the Job
Congratulations! Thanks to my sagely advice, you have accomplished the task of becoming employed. Your first day of work looms before you and you have never been more excited. With this job, your life starts anew; new opportunities to be had, new friends to be made and new experiences to be experienced. My final word of advice would be to show up to your first day dressed to the nines and smelling of rose water, just to keep up the illusion you presented at the interview. After about three weeks, you can start showing up wearing your regular clothes and smelling of your usual ungodly stench of ass and caramel waffles as your employer will have noticed how much of a fuck up you truly are and will have already began regretting his decision to hire you, so why bother, as you will be getting fired imminently. Now go out there and flip the best god-damn burger you can!
Well, that's it. I've imparted all the wisdom I have on the subject and if you take it to heart, you will have found a job in no time at all, unless of course I've over estimated my readership and instead of useless piles of putrid maggot shit, you are all actually just common piles of amoeba shit – far less prestigious.
If you're planning on getting up my ass about my recent lack of updates, kindly fuck off. I've been suffering from the flu and have been too busy blowing my nose and not giving a fuck. I'm also thinking about scrapping the daily-updated format an going for every 3 days as I find myself blowing my creative load too early dealing with you mountains of fuck.
Tune in next time when I do something so out of this world that you'll piss out your eyes and shit out you dick!
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